Sometimes I forget about you.
Sometimes I forget about you because I'm so busy focusing on my outer self. And for this, Inner Self, I am so sorry.
Sometimes I forget about you...
Because my latest instagram post is more important.
Because my makeup and my hair need to be on point.
Because my stretch marks on my tummy are extremely aggravating when I haven't even had kids yet. Because my thighs jiggle too much when I walk.
Because my belly spills over my jeans a little bit.
Because my nose is STILL crooked from when I broke it awhile ago.
Because my acne seems to never leave.
Because my period has caused more body problems than my 21 year self had ever thought possible.
Because my feet still seem to turn in, even after years of corrective shoes.
Because every time I shave my legs, I seem to miss an acre's worth of leg space.
Because my tummy is so squishy.
Because I want to look good so my students don't make comments on my clothes.
Because my hands aren't womanly at all and my nails won't grow.
Because I'm too busy making sure other people are happy with what I'm doing, instead of making me happy.
I'm so sorry, Inner Self. I'm so caught up in making my insecurities hidden that I forgot that I'm hiding you too.
Inner Self, you are there. You are there behind my daily mask, You are my most comfortable costume. I struggle. I struggle showing you to people, even the people I love with my whole heart, because let's be real, Inner Self, you are raw. You are me to the core and there's nothing to hide.
Sometimes, Inner Self, you make me so mad! Maybe that's why I decide to ignore you. Maybe that's why I cover you up and worry about the outer me.
Where are you when it's more about the sermon and less about what I wore to church?
Where are you when it's time to love my husband even if he didn't do what I needed him too?
Where are you when I'm standing on the scale praying the number will be lower?
Where are you when I'm pinching all the fat that I wish would just disappear?
Where are you when I'm layering makeup all over my face to cover every imperfection?
Where are you when I spend way too many minutes making sure every hair is in place?
Where are you when I go through outfit after outfit feeling "too fat" each morning?
Where are you when I'm pretending to be happy all the time?
Where are you? Where? WHERE?!?!
Oh that's right, I've hidden you. I've hidden you beneath so many layers of "I'm not pretty enough", "I'll never look like that", and "I've always been fat." I've pushed you to the farthest corner of my being that even when it's time for you to come out, you can't, you don't, and you won't.
Inner Self, sometimes I forget how beautiful you are. I forget how much you put personality over hair and makeup, how the heart matters so much more than the fat, how the number of people in your life are so much more important than the number on the scale, and how the mirror means nothing and the eyes mean everything.
Inner Self, if anything, here's what you would do...
You would love other people's instagrams
You would go makeup-less, because you already know you are beautiful
You would count those stretch marks as a battle well fought and a battle won. Memory of a triumph!
You would remind me that jiggly thighs mean room for muscle
You would know that a little bit of belly fat gives me curves
You would remember that my crooked nose gives me character and has a hilarious story behind it.
You would say that my pimples make me human.
You would love me through my aching belly and my never ending doctors appointments
You would know that my crooked feet have come such a long way.
You would laugh and say that my hairy legs will help keep me warm.
You would be assured that a squishy tummy is great for hugs from little ones.
You wouldn't even care what my students thought.
You would know that my hands have played more music and created more things than ever possible.
You would only care how happy you are, because you know that makes others happy too.
Inner Self, I'm crying now. You make so many dang things that I think are ugly, beautiful. YOU remind me who I am, why I'm a teacher, why I'm on this journey, and why I want to inspire others to love their inner selves too. You turn every situation around, reminding me of the REAL truth. And since I know you know me, you know I don't cry often. Thank you for being there, even if I hid you. Thank you for coming out of hiding to remind me of everything you are about.
I wish a selfie could capture you, Inner Self. I promise that I'm going to unleash you to the world, slowly but surely you will become my entire self, and of that, I am sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment