think like...mad just to be mad, no reason really, but also kinda sorta hoping for a reason so you don't look like a crazy person because you're mad...do you know what I mean? This past week I think I've yelled at Jared for the most stupidest things that could ever happen...like..we laugh about it now because when I yelled it didn't even make sense. And honestly, half the time he laughs at me anyways because my angry face is apparently hilarious. Who's to say?
I also got some pretty devastating news this past weekend. I've been trying hard to find a new job for next year (my Spanish certification was only for one year because I'm an elementary teacher) and so I've been applying and interviewing like a mad-woman. I had an interview for a kindergarten position(AKA dream job), amazing interview, amazing connections, perfect fit and I found out on Friday that they hired someone else. I literally BAWLED.
Like snot everywhere. Tears soaking the couch. My life was over. I was never going to find a job. We were never going to be financially okay. Life was terrible and I hated myself and everyone and everything. I think I sulked for a few hours. I think we went and got ice cream to make me feel better.
I don't really remember because those hours were a tear-stained blur. And when Jared brought it up the next morning, I burst into tears again. I felt so raw and vulnerable. I'm not saying that I didn't overreact. Most people would just pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and apply to the next job. I definitely was overreacting but I couldn't control the intense amount of emotions that had flooded me in seconds. The tears just flowed. and I felt raw. I felt emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time, a selfish emotion of not getting what I wanted, what I had planned, what I felt I deserved. So I took this crying selfie...
because I wanted you to see my vulnerability. I'm not always the happiest person, I'm not always kind, I'm not always "on" and "cute" and "incharge" like the rules I often play. This picture was so hard for me to even put into this blog. I wanted to delete it. I didn't want people to see it. and I even took 3 days writing this post because I was procrastinating on people seeing my cry face. But that's not what this about (keep reading..)
I really, truly felt that this is where I was supposed to be...but I'm slowly realizing, each day that I spend away from that terrible Friday evening, that maybe it wasn't. God surely must have an amazing plan in the works to pass me up for a job that I already thought was amazing. That being said, I've taken a new look on life.I realized how powerful our emotions are, how much they play a role in our days, our lives, even our weeks.
What happened sucked, obviously. Was it actually devastating? No. But I let it debilitate me, I let it put me in a funk for HOURS and almost a full 24 HOURS at that. I just felt cranky, upset, emotional, rock bottom and I couldn't take it anymore.
So here's what I'm saying (and mostly to myself..but I wanted you to see this too.) Yeah, situations suck sometimes. Life doesn't go how we planned, but God definitely has his own version of a plan that He already knows and has planned for us! SO. I'm praying, wishing, and knowing that God's will will be shown in HIS perfect timing, even if it's not mine.
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